Pin-balling through the Universe

Y’all… if you’ve ever played pinball, you know how fun it is… but also how often something happens where you’re like.. “What!? Why?! NOoooooOOoo…!!!” as the ball slips between both flippers and slides into the gutter. Or… worse yet… somehow wraps around the edge and slips down with zero chance of salvation!

Life is like that sometimes. Life is like that right now. Pin-balling.

We all had a glow up or Come-to-Jesus time in the pandemic, so I can gloss over that… this journey all started with when I decided I’d quit teaching art.

I quit teaching art essentially because I majorly disrespect the educational system. We’ll sum it up with, I left because I didn’t incarnate for that shit. I left to see what else the world had to offer. I left because my kid was going to graduate soon and I’m going to be an empty nester with a whole future ahead of me and I didn’t need to be bound to the system. I left because I’m an artist and I’m the creator of my world, and I wanted to create a better world for myself.

And, so on.

I got a job doing something seemingly wildly different than anything I’d ever expected to do, but at the same time was perfectly in alignment with everything I had done, and I got to do it from home, so that was cool.

But then my back started hurting. Like really bad. And I’m a mind body person. If something is out of alignment in my life, it shows up in my body. Once I got laryngitis because I needed to break up with a guy and just couldn’t find the words. I texted him to break up (not cool, I know… but that’s all I could do!) and my voice came back 10 minutes later. So. Yeah.

I looked into myself and what was happening, where was I not being supported? Where was I not being authentic? What was out of alignment? I got all the ergonomic things and bought a new mattress, and threw myself into yoga, and got certified as an instructor.

I even did the craziest thing… I’ve been staunchly single for like a decade… I just have been working on me and being a parent, no time for anyone else… but I thought, “maybe because my heart isn’t free, my wings aren’t free and so they’re bound together and stuck?”

I got on Hinge. I found a guy. Totally took me by surprise, but I fell for him. Hard. Man, I loved that man with every ounce of my being. And even thought he ended it, and I swear I cannot grasp why… I have no regrets about it… loving someone like that was a fucking treat!

When yoga school ended, the relationship ended… and then my job ended.

W.T.F.

I was a cliche of a country music song. My man left me, my job left me… but weirdly… my back was getting better.

I got into a series of heart work explorations, I created 6 paintings that started out trying to heal my broken heart and ended with me realizing I wasn’t following my own heart, or my own art.

Not like I wasn’t following them for any particular reason, I was just busy. But now I’m not busy. No job, and back to not dating because apparently I’ve got more of me to work on… The kid is self sufficient…. and with what felt like a very dramatic ending of things, a space for new beginnings has been created.

I’m on the Fool’s Journey. I’ve been on the Fool’s Journey, but it’s intensified. We’ve reached the Crossroads.

I’ve spent my unemployment time binge learning things and getting certifications. Revamping my website, and painting, and screen printing, teaching yoga, and researching where I want to move to, and considering how I want to live… considering any and every possibility (my poor kid and bff probably have no idea what my real plans are as I share every possibility with them… because neither do I) and in all of that, my back has been cracking in deep long locked up spaces. Deep, sometimes resonating cracks. Like new channels are opening up and unlocking.

My heels touch the ground in downward dog and plow, now.. I can do headstands, I’m nearly to wheel… my wings are hatching, my back is releasing!

I don’t know where we’re going, but we’re on a path. I’m here for it.

If you’re here for it too, and want to follow along the Fool’s Journey with me, please do! In my binge learning I found out that as an independant freelance artist I should have a mailing list, so… I’m adding it here!

Sign up below, and I’ll keep you updated on whatever madness is happening over here, as well as whatever new thing I’ve learned to do that might benefit you aesthetically!

I’ll provide the art and existential musings, you can be my muse!

We’ll walk this path together… and sometimes unexpectedly spiral down into the gutter without a fair shot… that’s ok, I’ve got a full pocket of virtual tokens and a “let’s play!” attitude!

Oh… and, if you want to help support me during this crossroads time, lure me away from the arcade… I’ve got plenty of time and energy for custom art projects! Hit me up!